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|Thursday, March 13th, 2014|
had pottery today
it was my second last class
i had 2 bowls to trim, the first one i ended up putting a hole through it, so, ooops.
the second one turned out ok though!
i made this pyramid type thing, i had this idea the other day
i am not sure exactly what it will be for, but it will be neat i think?
it is pretty much a pyramid but it has one side open
i also made a little dish with coils & little clay scraps
next week is all about glazing
i was thinking that i need to get over & start cleaning my house again
i am really really.. torn about that
because i am feeling really conflicted
on the one hand it spring time & i have this spring cleaning feeling
& wanting to get it all cleaned & in order & move back in there
i want to have my space & be able to do things
one thing i would really like to be able to do is have my nieces over to do crafts & stuff
i really cant do that now & that kinda sucks
but if i get it cleaned up then in the spring & summer when scarlett is off school
she could come over & we could do stuff
it would be fun
but on the other hand..
i feel kinda discouraged by the idiot who broke in
i kinda dont feel motivated to go into my room & clean up the mess he made
(which i have to do so i can sleep there)
i feel kinda stumped at where i am
& i think i need some help but i do not know how or if i can or should ask someone
i mean, i do not really like people in my personal space too much
..by that i mean, there are certain people who might help
but they are the type of people who would want to take over & do whatever they want
& not listen to me even though it is MY house
& i would not like that feeling
this whole situation feels really really rather heavy to me
which is not very good
i sent an email to my cousin today
we were emailing about something else all together
i do not even think i told her about the break in?
but in the email i mentioned the break in & kinda suggested the need of help in cleaning in passing
in a way i was kinda hinting
maybe she will get it and offer some help?
that too.. i have issues, i know, but i have a really hard time asking for help
there are people who have & who will help me
i know that
i cant say that no one has ever helped me & i have always done everything on my own
i have done a lot on my own, but i also have a good family
..not so good friends, but thats in the past so we shall leave it there
but i have a really hard time asking for help
& its mostly because i am really afraid of people just saying no
which has happened
i have really really really needed help in the past & asked & people have said no to me
& that has really hurt me & messed me up somewhat
..to the point where i send emails hinting at things & hoping people will fill in the blanks
i am a work in progress.
|Monday, March 10th, 2014|
i have been having some strange dreams lately
well, i guess they are not exactly that strange
i usually never remember my dreams
these dreams however have been.. i wouldnt say vivid, but have seemed very realistic?
sort of like memories? even though i know they arent & never thought they were
the first one in particular was weird because it involved this kid i knew in elementary school
& his older sister happened to be dating my older brother (in real life, not in the dream)
in the dream i ran into him & he was asking what my brother was up to
but it was like he was kinda pissed off at him
like maybe he would be if my brother & his sister had broken up on bad terms or something like that
but they didnt, it was high school
it just seemed like a very weird interaction
then the other night i had this dream that had this girl i was friends with who i met in junior high
& i ran into her in the hospital?
she was admitted into the hospital for something (to do with her leg i think? but she was walking around?)
i have no idea why i was walking around in this hospital
& the way she acted was strange, it was kinda like she didnt want me to know she was there
i dont know
i generally do not like having dreams
lots of times they disturb me
even if they are not really disturbing dreams
i guess it kinda feels like someone else has put these thoughts in my head & i dont like it
i am reading this book 'reunions' by dr.raymond moody
& a section of it was talking about hypnogogic 'visions'
which is pretty much the period between being awake and asleep & during this period you can have dreams
you can be stuck in sleep paralysis in this state as well
he was saying that thomas edison would use this state to come up with ideas & solutions to problems
& to make sure that he woke up before falling asleep
because usually after you fall asleep you will forget any hynogogic visions or dreams you might have
he would hold a steel ball in each hand with a metal dishpan on the floor on either side of him
so that when he drifted to sleep the ball would fall on the pan & bang! jolt him awake so he could remember his visions!
|Sunday, March 9th, 2014|
surprise birthday went great!
lots of people came, we filled up the coffee shop!
my dad was super surprised, he never suspected a thing
my brother & him went to a golf show earlier
& then my brother took him to some pawn shops to stall,
then took him to the coffee shop where we all yelled 'happy birthday' when he came in
everyone had coffee & donuts
i say coffee shop but it really is a donut shop
leon, the owner, makes really great donuts, WAY better than tim hortons
he made my dad a really awesome donut 'cake' with strawberries & whipped cream in it
it was super yummy!
i am really glad things went so well
my sister did a good job planning it!
|Saturday, March 8th, 2014|
i went to the farm yesterday
it was a bit.. i dont know
it was kinda like the same but kinda different
sorta stunk in there because they have just been letting this dog live there
they have blocked off the house except for the kitchen & he is staying there
this dog is old and decrepit
he can barely walk, he really really needs to be put down, unfortunately
no one is taking care of him
i kinda wandered around & looked at things
i went into my grandmas room, i had never actually been in there before
i have looked in there but never actually went inside
i sat on the chair in the living room and looked out the window
which is really all i wanted to do today
it felt familiar & that was comforting
today we went out for supper with family
there was 9 of us & they sat us in this booth that probably normally sat 6 people
??? so we had them switch us to somewhere else
i sat next to little gwen & that is always fun
tomorrow we are throwing a surprise birthday party for my dad!
its his 60th birthday
we are having it at this coffee shop that he always goes to
i think he is going to be surprised
my sister is doing most of the planning & everything
i hope a bunch of people come & it is good times!
|Thursday, March 6th, 2014|
pottery didnt go so great today
i brought in my 'coil' jug that i had taken home to carve a design into
i had paint some spots, touch ups & i noticed it has a big crack in it!
its not right through, but still..
hopefully when it fires it doesnt crack more
i prepared 3 clumps of clay to work on the wheel & make little bowls
the first 2 were just disasters! garbage.
the 3rd one i managed to turn into something,
it is a bowl but the rim is really thin & a bit wobbly
after i cleaned up ...it was also an esspecially messy day today
i had enough time to do a pinch pot globe shaped rattle thingy to replace the one i destroyed before
so i can work on that this week
there are only 2 more classes left!
i went to a few places with my sister earlier
to the reuse centre where i got some old photos (not really old, just ones someone got rid of) & slides
i also got this HUGE bag of old postage stamps, more so for my uncle but i think i will look at some tonight
my sister needed babyfood jars
we went & got my blood work done
they were sooo slow at the lab today
& stopped at the dollar store where i found "pepsi next"
i had never heard of this stuff before
its naturally sweetened with sugar & stevia & has 30% less calories
i have not tried it yet but am looking forward to it!
there were some little stumps left from the coloured flame candles i had on my birthday cake
so i decided to take pictures of them
it was fun stuffs
these are a few:
|Tuesday, March 4th, 2014|
went grocery shopping today
then dad took me to drBs
took the bus home
i stopped & got oodle noodle
+ i had got a tea/lemonade from starbucks before & was carrying that
it was kinda cold out, not too bad really, but my finger were freezing
FREEZING, they hurt cold
i saw the bunny in the neighbours yard under a trailer
& then later i saw 2 of them in my yard & hopping down the street
they are so white!
i havent really seen them much this winter
i keep meaning to put out food for them, specifically my broccoli stalks
but i always forget & they just end up in the garbage
i am in a .. mood.. today
i do not really know what kind of mood
i have just been feeling so flat lately
i guess i am kinda annoyed feeling?
i did talk some things out with drB, so that is good
i think i have been avoiding talking things out or even thinking things out
i have just been stuck & .. just being stuck.
its not very good.
i went over to my house today
i looked around some more
did some cleaning up/straitening out of the stuff that guy or whoever made
i washed the toilet (well just the seat right now) even though i didnt use it
because i find that just ..weird
but i guess at least i am glad they used the toilet & didnt piss all over something else in the house
i had a shower & talked to my lemon plants & watered them, so at least there was some normal stuff
i looked in the bedrooms & they are pretty messed up
i think i want my mom or someone to come & help me clean them up
even just for the company
they were pretty messy to begin with
& it looks like whoever just tossed everything around to get to the drawers
then opened them & tossed the contents (which were clothes in one room & absolutely nothing in the other)
i had boxes in the top shelf of the closet in one room & those are just opened & thrown on the floor
the one room you cant even walk into because all the contents are piled up infront of the doorway
everything else in the house is more or less how it was before
i still need to fix up some stuff by the bookshelves that whoever moved & tossed around
why do people think its ok to go into other peoples space & mess with their sense of security?
|Sunday, March 2nd, 2014|
someone broke into my house the other night
i have been sleeping at my folks place the past few nights
but my dad noticed that the back door at my place was broken this afternoon
i went in and checked things out
the lights were on in the bedrooms & they were quite messed up & looked through
in the kitchen area one of the cupboards that had a bunch of my old Rxs was open & looked through, i dont know if they took anything from there or not, but whatever
on this one shelf i had about 6? boxes, mostly filled with art projects & supplies neatly stacked
those are all gone through & spread around
i have a bunch of bookshelves on one wall & those were pretty rummaged through looking for valuables
i have this nice wooden box that i keep copies of all the artbooks & zines i have ever made in
that was taken down and looked through, i guess it looked valuable
i have a bunch of little boxes, a collection sort of, and a lot of those were gone through and spread around
my sister got me this nice puzzle box from hungry when she went there
that was on the floor & a piece is broken from it, i couldnt find the piece right away but i am sure it is somewhere & can just be glued back on
the majority of my living room is currently a bunch of boxes stacked and whatnot
those did not seem to be really gone through much
which is good because i have enough to clean as it is
and the worst thing
at least to me anyway
i think they used my washroom!!!
i am pretty sure that the last thing i did at my house was have a shower
& when i do that i typically leave the towel draped over the toilet
& even not, if i was to use the toilet i would put the towel over the edge of the tub or the shower curtain rod
but in the bathroom now the toilet cover is up & my towel is crumpled in the corner by the tub
i do not want stupid strange robber people using my washroom.
i do not think they took anything
nothing i can see right away anyway
the cop lady came & we gave her a walk through
my dad had to actually screw the door shut because it is broken
i still need to fill out the police report, she is going to pick it up tomorrow
my mind is kinda blank feeling through, so ugh.
yesterday i was actually thinking that i should go home to sleep
but it was really really cold out, crazy cold
i am kinda glad i wasnt there actually
i do not know that me being there would have stopped this
i can be a very sound sleeper & unless they rang the door bell &/or pounded on the door a bunch first
i might have slept right until they broke the door and came in or something
that would suck
i still sometimes get freaked out about hearing people at the door from the last time someone tried to break in
i think if i was in the house when someone actually broke in..
not good for me.
well, now i actually have a reason to go there & clean things up.
(other than i just should go there & clean things up)
life, who needs it.
|Thursday, February 27th, 2014|
when i went to type an entry i got an error page
so i am typing this in notepad & am going to copy/paste it later
wed, so, pottery today
it went ok.
i was not feeling so good today before i went, but it ended up going not so bad
i painted black slip on my 'coil pot'
which really isnt a pot, its more of a jug with a handle
i brought it home & have to think of some sort of design or pattern or something to carve into it
then i trimmed the 2 bowls i had made previously
one was a really tiny thing maybe 1x2"? and that worked out ok
the second bowl was larger & i kinda messed up and ended up poking a hole in the bottom of it
but thats ok! because i am just going to finish it up like that & use it as a pot for one of my lemon plants!
that was one of the things i was hoping to make this time anyway, pots for my plants
when i was getting ready to work on the wheel i was moving all my stuff over there
& i was moving this icecream pail that was half full of water
i was holding it by the side & i guess it was cracked
it broke and fell & spilled water all over the floor!
arg/sigh. i had to mop up all the water, it was so annoying.
i ended up having enough time to make a bowl, it turned out ok i think!
its got a lot of crap on the bottom, so hopefully i dont trim it to death next week!
hopefully next week i will get to do a lot more work on the wheel
practice practice practice
i have been contemplating weather or not i should take the course again next term
they were talking about that a bit today
it is offered, but they were saying that usually they dont get enough people in the spring class to run it
not at this location anyway
there is an arts centre across town & that is where most of the classes are
i was originally planning on not taking any class next term
& then taking a sculpture class the following one
& then it would be a 'new year' as far as my access pass goes
(i am allowed 3 classes a year at a reduced rate with the pass)
oh well, i dont need to decide yet.
|Tuesday, February 25th, 2014|
so, i had started making this 'rattle' thingy in pottery
pretty much its a ball with little balls in it,
so when its done, if you shake it the little balls inside will make a noise
i brought it home so that i could carve something into it & not waste class time doing it
day before yesterday i started on it
i ended up designing on a semi-complex design of daisy like flowers
i spent literally hours drawing out the shapes & then actually cutting it
towards the end it started cracking & a little piece actually fell off!
so it was getting way too dry!
i thought i could fix this by wrapping it in a damp cloth to soften it a bit
that way the cracking would stop
i could finish the little bit i had left to do later
& i could reattach the piece in my class on wed.
but yesterday i took it out to look at it
& i dont know
i might have left it in too long? i think so
i finished cutting out the last few pieces i had left
& then pieces started breaking
at first i thought i could save it
but then the whole thing collapsed into itself!!!
i kinda had wanted to make a little rattle thingy this time
maybe if i have time i can put one together tomorrow
but this time do a very simple carving
i do plan on working on the wheel a whole bunch tomorrow
i also have to paint my coil jug with slip..
i think i have only 3 classes left to build things!
|Sunday, February 23rd, 2014|
i had a family birthday party today
we had pita pizzas
it went quite well!
i had made a coconut poke cake for myself
& it was very successful! lots of people had seconds
& even my one uncle who usually never eats cake had a piece!
i put sparklers & coloured candles on it
my niece scarlett made me a bracelet
but now i am hungry again
i have a second piece of cake waiting for me!
but i think i want to eat some real food first & save that for later
happy late birthday me!~
|Thursday, February 20th, 2014|
uck. my gut is being stupid stupid stupid
pain! i ate some crackers & it helped quite a lot
but its still a bit on the iffy side & i hope it doesnt come back full on
i had a drB2 appointment today & after that i got to fill out a little survey about him
my dad gave me a ride, which is great because i have been so tired
i have been feeling sick since sunday
i was supposed to go out for supper with lisa on tuesday
but i called her that afternoon & left a message cancelling
i havent called her back since.. i suppose i should, but i just feel icky & ugh.
i dont like talking on the phone much
even though she is an easy person to talk to
i had pottery yesterday & made a half decent bowl on the wheel
i was supposed to trim the things i made the week before but they were too dry
so i sponged them and put them under plastic & i ended up breaking the rim on one of them
the other one might just end up in the garbage too, i didnt get time to trim it
i think there is only 3 more classes left to make things
i guess we are going to have a bit of a family birthday dinner for me this weekend
well, if people can come anyway
we were trying to think of some place to go & then decided on having pita pizzas at my folks place
we somehow got some stupid thing on this computer
i figured out it was 're-markit' & have uninstalled that
but it is evil & has stuck other things in so there are still pop ups & ads on pages & links on words & all sorts of other bothersome things
i need to figure out how to get rid of everything
my carnation is finally done with, it has started to dry out & be dead
but it was a fun experiment!
i got 3 days worth.. into green & then blue & then purple
purple didnt really show up, it just ended up looking a bit darker
i also finished a little weaving project
i had found an online tutorial to make a little makeshift loom out of cardboard
this thing is only about 2"wide and a bit over 4"long (not counting the little tails)
it was kinda fun to make but i need to get a needle & stronger cardboard
i also hope to get some other yarn & stuff, i am hoping the reuse centre has some!
|Sunday, February 16th, 2014|
well, i put the carnation in blue water last night
check out the difference!
blue after green
|Saturday, February 15th, 2014|
on a more pleasant note
the other day the neighbour gave my dad some carnations
one broke off & my dad gave it to me
so i did the old kids science experiment thingy & stuck it in some water with food colouring
it worked out really well
overnight you could see the green on the pink petals
its been less then a day & it looks lovely!
i think i am going to attempt to change the colour of the water that it is in
& see what that does
weather or not it creates a second bold stripe of colour?
i am not sure which one though....
i would say that the funeral went well
the service was nice enough
the pastor read a eulogy that my aunt wrote that was quite lovely
it explained quite a lot of my grandmas history
how she grew up, how she met my grandpa, etc...
and after 99years there was a lot of life she had lived
the pastor also read something that one of my cousins wrote from the grandchildrens perspective
my grandma had 5 children, 14 grandchildren, 16 great grandchildren & 1 great-great grandchild
my sister read a poem, she was quite emotional but she got through it
& then ian (her husband) sang amazing grace, which was nice
after the service we went to the cemetery
they had shoveled out the snow to make a path & standing area & to dig the grave
i ended up standing in the mud while the pastor said some more stuff
i thought it would be frozen but i ended up with my boots caked in mud
i had made these clay hearts in pottery earlier
they were intended to be used to keep brown sugar soft but i thought it would be more fitting to leave with her
so i put one on her coffin & took a silk iris from her casket spray bouquet
then we went to the hall for lunch
& that was fine
it seems like i have been to that hall a lot lately
there was my uncle alvans funeral, then grandmas 99th birthday & then this
my cousin & aunty & 2 uncles from my moms side all came, so that was nice
a bunch of people wished me happy birthday over the day as well
my sister was saying she was feeling better, like she had closure
i think my dad said he was too
me, not so much
i feel fine and then i just get these flashes of an overwhelming sense that she is just NOT THERE
i had (have?) this emptiness with timmy
& i have it with grandma & i dont know if it ever goes away
its just this vast void, this overwhelming nothingness that i am looking into & sensing.. i cant even explain it
so i have to think of something else instead.
|Friday, February 14th, 2014|
| Happy Valentines DaY
following my sort of tradition i ordered a heart shaped pizza
unfortunately it doesnt look all that heart-y
my mom got one too, hers is better looking shape wise
my dad bought me a cupcake! i havent had it yet, but it looks good
i think he said it is black forest, i hope so because i like that flavour
i used to always get my aunty to make me black forest cakes for my birthday
(she is an excellent cake maker & they were fantastic looking & tasting)
i finished making those cd cover things last night
however i realized that i must have left the original in the photocopier at staples
oh well. i do not need to make anymore
& if i did i could make another copy
the funeral is tomorrow
i am not sure what i think about it
every one is always so sad and crying and hugging eachother and whatnot
over the years, dealing with major major depression & not being very social
i have developed coping mechanisms of sucking back the tears
& internalizing things
not that these are necessarily healthy, they are not
but i have learned that the only one i can really count on is myself
and even when i am not ok, i am 'ok'
if that makes any sense
& i wish i could cry & bawl & let it all out
but i cant really, at least not around other people
many times i start to tear up & instinctively, not consciously, suck it up
i dont always feel my pain is validated
at funerals there are all these people crying or whatever
and people comfort them and recognize their sadness
but because i cant be overly emotional around these people
no one really even notices me or how i feel
even though i might be really hurting inside
i think this doesnt just apply to funerals
but lots of thing
& normally i would just delete this whole section because its too..
rambley & personal
but i think i am going to post it anyway.
|Thursday, February 13th, 2014|
i went to staples today & copied out all the sheets to make covers for the cds of the slideshow my sister made
i ended up making 30 copies, thats what my sister wanted
i think they will turn out quite nicely
i still need to fold them all
i will do that tonight while watching tv
i also called lisa
that went well
i hate calling people & talking on the phone
it often feels awkward & i get all nervous about it & never know what to say
i am surprised at how well things are going with talking with her
i have only spoken to her a few times, twice on the phone & we met up & i went to her house once
but it is surprisingly comfortable
sorta just like old times
she was my best friend for years, so i guess it shouldnt be too surprising
but i havent seen her for years now, so, who knows.
my computer is making a strange beeping noise?
i had pottery today
i was a bit worried that it was going to be really hard
because pottery makes me think of my grandma
pottery is something she used to do
& she was really happy that i was taking pottery
whenever we talked she always asked me about pottery
& she was always asking my dad about how i was doing with it
i told her about how i had some difficulty throwing on the wheel
& she was always asking me if i was working on the wheel
& how my wheel work was going
but the class went ok
i am still not in the best of moods
but we started wheel work for the first time in this session of classes
i made 2 little bowls (or started)
one with the teachers help, but the second one was pretty much all my own
i was rather impressed with myself
& worked on my coil pot, which is still not done
but hopefully is going to be a pitcher that is hopefully shaped something like this:http://www.pinterest.com/pin/342273640402183514/
we got the flowers for the casket
i think they look quite nice
i have to work on the covers for the cds, i printed out some pictures
i hope that the printing quality is good, i have not printed much here
the printer is downstairs and i havent gone to check it out
if its not then lord only knows what i am going to do?
maybe order prints from walmart or something?
my dad bought a case of blueberries! i had some & they were good
he also bought strawberries
so i think i am going to go eat a whole bunch of fruit
i also need to call my friend lisa
she called awhile back & i never called her back
i am shitty at phone calls & she is making an attempt to reconnect with me
maybe i can make some sort of plans to go out next week
& salvage my birthday somehow
|Tuesday, February 11th, 2014|
i got a ride today, so that was good
we went to micheals about the flowers
they had this white flower casket spray that was already made on sale
all their flowers were on sale
we wanted purple because that was grandmas favorite colour
so we picked out a bunch of other purple flowers
& the lady there is going to add them all into the arrangement
flowers are so expensive
fake flowers too
& with the real flowers even its a bad time because valentines day is right away
i think the ones from micheals are going to look nice though
the fake ones can sit on top of her grave and not die in the cold winter right away
plus i can take one
i took one from my grandpas funeral
i think it was a purple carnation
after my appointment we went to dollarama
dollar store therapy
i got this ceramic tart pan thingy which is good because i have been wanting one of those
even though i have not been actually looking for one
i got this ceramic mushroom too, for the garden
& a plastic container of cotton candy???? weird but whatever
i have just spent a whole bunch of time trying to design a cover thingy for cds
my sister is making this slide show thing for the funeral with pictures of my grandma
& shes going to make a whole bunch of copies of it on disks so people can take them
& i am supposed to make covers for them
fortunately i had a 'how to wrap cds' pinnedhttp://www.pinterest.com/pin/342273640400088093/
but i am going to put photos on the cover & whatnot
i just need to know what text she wants on it
& then i would like to go photocopy them rather than just print them out like other people have said
& then & then & then
i ramble because my mind is so so tired & all i have had to eat today was a cookie & an apple
& a booster juice
i am too lazy to get up an make something
ill shut up now.
|Monday, February 10th, 2014|
i am so tired
i am hungry too i think
i have been sleeping a lot lately
well, my sleeping is majorly screwed anyway
i have trouble sleeping at night & sleep all day
the other day i spent a bunch of time looking for flowers online
& me, my sister & then me & my mom picked some out
we printed them out
my mom & my dad went out there with my aunt to the funeral place to talk about all the funeral stuff
apparently they want artificial flowers for on top of the casket
i can see the logic in that though, they can stay on the grave
real flowers would freeze within a few hours probably
i have just spent what seems like so so much time trying to find info on artificial flowers
& i have come up with nothing
it has thoroughly exhausted me
i am SO TIRED
apparently a lot of flower stores will substitute fake flowers in their arrangements
so, i hope that is true
i have a few numbers written down & hopefully my mom will call tomorrow
i need to have a shower & i really dont want to
but i have a drB appointment tomorrow & i have not showered in ...several days
i wish i could just sit there and someone (or something) else could wash me so i didnt have to do it
i dont think my dad can give me a ride tomorrow & its going to be a bit cold
i am not looking forward to it
i hope i can wake up
this whole thing has got me so sad
& depressed, which for me is a different feeling than sad
i know the sadness will pass & everything
she lived a good long life, she wasnt sick, i only have good memories of her
i am still really sad though
but depression on the other hand likes to make my life very very difficult
& saps out all my energy