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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in dystatic's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, November 10th, 2015
11:24 pm
hello dear journal.
so, today is a blah day. a very blah day.
my furnace konked out on me last night. i decided to just have a hot shower and sleep in warmer clothes and curl up under the covers and hope it would be fine & i guess it was, but when i woke up i was pretty cold. & i have had somewhat of a chill all day.
i have been feeling down today, down down down.
i had a drB appointment & gosh. i started crying in there. i dont think i have cried in there for ages. maybe years. i have been so damn weepy lately & i think it hormones but damn.
fortunately it is him & he is one of the only people on this earth that i trust, so yeah.
on the way home i got little hot chocolate at tim hortons, they have the white hot chocolate at the downtown one & i had never tried that before so i got to do that. it was pretty good i guess, ok, well, i dont know. it was sweet. it was not as good as their regular hot chocolate, they have good hot chocolate. second cup has really good white hot chocolate. i guess i wouldnt get it again though because their regular hot chocolate is much better. they had dark hot chocolate once, i tried that, it was yucky.
so then i went and checked my mail, and then i went and got ~swiss to go~ i havent eaten it yet, but it will be super yummy & i am looking forward to that. they have a card, you get a thing marked off every time you go and once you get 10 you get a free one & i got my free sandwhich today. they have desserts there too & i had decided to get a dessert, i picked out this sour cherry cheesecake thing and he rang it in at $7.35 ...wowza. yikes. holy crap. i mean, i was expecting it to be expensive, but i was thinking around the $5 range not over $7! but whatever, i got it anyway today. then i went to dollarama because i have been looking for little squirt bottles to try something new for glazing for pottery, well, i didnt really find any but i found these little drink bottles that i think might work, they were 2/$1 so i got them. that's another thing, i did not want to pay a lot, i had found squirt bottles before but they were $1 each or more and that was too much, i dont want to pay a lot for things i will use 1 time and might not even achieve a good result.
i also got some little christmas bags. i am a sucker for little bags. i have this whole little box full of little bags, i dont know why? & i got some little stickers because i want to send my cousin a nice little envelope with some stuff because it is her birthday the beginning of december and she just moved to england & i need things that are flat and light weight because i dont want to send anything big. i will send something bigger for christmas.
i got some other little crap too but i cant even remember. a little star hole punch, a little box, oh yeah. some sort of crayola 3D colouring thing. i have been finding all this 3D crap in the kids section at dollar stores lately. i am not even sure what it is though, i havent opened it. last thing i found was this "frozen" drawing pad, it was basically red/blue grid paper that came with a pair of 3D glasses.
i also walked home.. from the post office, the 15 or so blocks, because i thought it would do me some good. a walk in the cold. might snap the sad from me. but it didnt.
ive been looking at crap online all evening.
i uploaded some nifty photos i took of lights in the rain onto my flickr page
they turned out really neat, but even that didnt cheer me up.
& i am going to post them onto my ~new~ photo blog thingy that i made the other day but hadnt posted to
its.. what is it? notgoodatnames.blogspot.com
i just have this dark feeling today
it sucks.
i am sure it will go away. but i just dont like today at all.
ok now, bye.
Monday, November 9th, 2015
12:25 am
oh journal journal, it has been almost 2 months and i have been ignoring the heck out of you.
so sad.
so, how has life been? well.. it has been pretty good i guess. same sort of stuff. i have been keeping busy. i have been making art again, so that is a big plus. i have been trying to take care of myself. i think i have been doing a pretty good job, it gets hard sometimes, but i think i have been doing ok.
the past couple of days i have been super weepy, but i am 100% sure that that is because of my period. well, that and because i have been thinking too much, never a good thing. thinking and hormones, ugh. so, i have been trying to just ride it out and pay it no mind.
i know how my life is, i do, i know that i can not judge it in black & white, in good & bad. it is not a normal life, it never will be, so, i just have to know when to take the reins and when to let them go and catch up to it later.
so then.
what else? as far as things go, i have been making a bunch of stuff, so that makes me happy. i have been taking pottery class & my cousin took it with me this time, so that was nice. there are only 2 more classes, none this week because of rememberance day though. next class is the last building class and i have a (plant)pot that i made that may or may not be just garbage because i made it 2 weeks ago and forgot about it, so it might be dried up and not good for anything. i started making a mug last week for my sister, so i will get to finish that up, and i think i want to try to make either a little plate or a little bowl next week and that is all i want to do. this time i have been soooooo sloooooooow at doing things. i dont know why, but everything is taking so long. it's not a big deal though. the last class is just for glazing, and i am hoping to try and do some new glazing techniques, but i am having a bit of a difficult time finding information on how to do that? i tried taking some books from the library but they were useless. i tried looking at some stuff online but didnt really find the information that i need. so.. i am going to wing it. hopefully i will get some different effects. hopefully i can wax the bottoms of my stuff next class so i have the entire glaze class to do just that.
my one friend's dad died recently, so, i have tried to be there for her. which, i should have called her today but i didnt. i will have to call her tomorrow. i just want to be sure i dont wait weeks between calling her.
i saw a post somewhere about gift wrapping at the mall, so i contacted them about volunteering & have emailed a couple times. someone should be calling me this week, so that's good. i like wrapping stuff.
i have been helping my sister out at school once a week or so, doing busy work, photocopying, cutting things, putting up bulletin boards, etc... whatever she needs done.
today i finally got some of mushroom documentation photocopied. i finished making it and finally copied some, only 10 copies though & for some reason earlier in the day i was thinking i only had to copy 20 more, i though i only needed 30 but no, i need to make 70!!! but regardless, they look super! i am so happy with how they turned out! so i am really pleased about that.
i also copied this little photozine i made awhile ago that i just never got around to copying, it is square and is just pictures of trees with no leaves on them. i want to sew bind it though, so they are not bound. i only made 12 copies and i only ever plan to make 24 of them.
also, i was making some ecodyes earlier & while doing that i had an idea for my christmas cards!~ i am super excited about that. well, as long as they turn out that is. they better! (i hope) but i will not say more as i feel i might jinx myself.
so this month is going to be a lot of working on christmas gifts i think. a lot of sewing, which i am not very good at, so, ugh. i tried making a bag earlier and it turned out pretty good except for the straps, they were funky, so, i dont know, i have to work on those. it is just a shopping bag. i think i am going to do a lot of little patchwork pillows because that sounds like something i would like to do, but maybe it will be really hard and frustrating and i will end up screaming and breaking my mom's sewing machine, so i dont know.
i am making a package of zines and stuff to send some guy in the states who is really nice. so that is good stuff and i should go finish doing that.
Sunday, September 6th, 2015
11:05 pm
hey journal.
so, things have been a bit rough the past few weeks i guess, kinda, sorta, not really, yeah.
i mean, they have in a way but i have been trying really hard to not let it get me down.
also, i think it could be partially pms, so there is that.
my mini existential crisis is getting a bit better, i did not explain it very well on here, but it is getting a bit better i think, i hope. i am feeling a bit less conflicted i think.
i guess i feel a bit comforted in the knowledge that i have been through a lot of crap and it passes, so, i am feeling a bit shitty, but it will pass, just gotta ride it out i guess.
so, i was hoping i could chat with some people on aim. i had not thought of it for awhile, i guess i figured you had to download it and i do not have my own computer still (well, i do but no internet access), but i thought i would look it up. i did one night just before i was going to shut things down and it is there, ta-da, my account and everything! and jason was online! but i really needed to leave, so i just shut down and was hopeful that he would be online again but every other time i have checked it out he has not been online. he doesnt talk to me anymore which makes me very sad. i tried emailing him again at the beginning of the year but no response. i dont know if he just hates me or never really cared in the first place?
i have been having some gut stuff the past few days, so i have been feeling nauseous the past 2 days, so that sucks. i did a bunch of ecodyes yesterday, which i am kinda excited about. i am attempting to replicate 2 i did before so that i have enough cloth to make some bags, so hopefully that works, and then i did 3 more smaller experiments
i have also been doing some photo transfers onto old baking sheets, some of which i am rusting too, and then i will hang them on my wall in my kitchen so i can put up my magnet collection on them. i used to do magnet exchanges with people, so i have a bunch of handmade magnets and i need somewhere to put them.
so, i have been working on things and that has been keeping me sane and content.
also my camera is back! yay! so, thats good! i want to go to borden park this week, there are a bunch of sculptures there and some small fountains and i want to take a bunch of anaglyph photos. i took the program to make them and also all my photo files and loaded them on my computer at home, so that is another thing i get to work on there too, so that is also good. anaglyphs! speaking of that, i need to order some more 3d glasses, because i want to do a project with them. i had ordered a 10pack, but i want to order a few more.
also, last thing because it is getting late and i want to go, i found an interesting bible verse online today:

Let beer be for those who are perishing,
wine for those who are in anguish!
Let them drink and forget their poverty
and remember their misery no more.

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Proverbs 31:6-9

ok, i lied. i forgot, i also looked up about intermittent fasting today, which seems pretty logical to me. it is pretty much how i eat except that i pretty much make sure that i eat something when i wake up, but if i dont it is not a big deal, so, why bother? so, i think i might implement that? it is fast 16hrs a day then you can eat for 8hrs, but i read one place that for women it is fasting 14hrs, eat 10? ..it is typically for bodybuilder types, but i am just a lazy person, so i dont know, i will have to think about times and which one works better for me? give it a week and see how i feel. or i might start after tomorrow because i might be going out for breakfast tomorrow at normal people breakfast hours, so, whatever.
Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
1:46 am
so i have been going through a little bit of a tiny existential crisis of sorts lately.
i just feel this really huge disconnect i guess.
& life has been going pretty great lately, so i am not sure where this is coming from?
i had a bit of a breakthrough today when i was thinking things out with myself and god, but i still feel just, i dont know... tearful and alone.
i was kinda feeling sorry for myself, about how alone things are right now and how it would be nice to just have some understanding, to just have someone even want to try to understand. how all the people i have really cared about have left me and how that has made me distrustful.
and i am being a bit dramatic here, not in the fact that i am distrustful, but i do have a family who is wonderful and supportive in what i can only guess is the best way they know how, even though it is not often the way i need.
but anyway, i was lamenting and just getting out thoughts and it struck me ... grant that I may never seek, so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love ... it was kinda obvious and i had to laugh at myself, but fark. sometimes i dont want to be understanding, sometimes i dont want to be the one giving. because i do try, i really do, and i have had a lot of hurt in my life, i just wish sometimes someone would try with me.
Tuesday, August 11th, 2015
12:01 am
hey journal!
it has been a long time
i have not been using the computer a lot, and when i do i am generally kinda rushed.
i have been spending a lot of time at home, which is actually where i am right now, my internet has not been working, but i tried it out tonight & it seems to be working.
so.. things have been going pretty well except my camera is damaged? it has a problem with the on button. it is still under the warranty period (barely) because i bought it last september 10th, but the problem is that i do not have the receipt!!!!
i bought it from costco through my brothers membership. i tried calling their concierge number tonight but they could not help me because -another problem- my brother's membership is no longer valid. it expired and he did not renew it. she gave me another number but it is not 24hours, so i have to call during business hours. if i can get some sort of proof of purchase then i can send it in to canon through the warranty, my brother thought he gave me the receipt, and he may have but i have all the other papers, etc.. in the box on my shelf & its not there. i looked in every other place that i have that i put any sort of important papers and i cant find it. my house is not very large and i not too long ago thoroughly cleaned my house and sorted EVERYTHING! so, i pretty much know where everything is in here, i have not lived here too long to have stockpiles like i do at my parents place.
the camera still works, its just difficult to turn on and off. so if all else fails, its not like i have an inoperable camera like with my last one which just died about a month or two after the warranty ended. lens error for NO REASON. + it would cost just a little more to buy a new camera then to fix it, so blah.

in good news, i have been doing a bunch of different projects.
i have been doing a bunch of natural dye stuff. eco prints, well, i did a bunch that i have left to sit and am trying to be super patient, so hopefully when i open them they will be really nifty. i have only opened 2, 2 i made the same night. i put mountain ash leaves in them that printed really really well! very orange! even though they were green leaves, some oak leaves that printed very lightly and creeping bell flowers that printed a bit. one of the fabrics i used was polyester though & you are supposed to use only natural fibers. i had a scrap though and wanted to see how it turned out. actually the oak printed a bit on the polyester, lightly, but it did sorta show up.
lately i have been doing colour potential tests with little swatches of cotton. i have only done a couple because it takes a few days. the first one i tried was with the russian comfrey plant in my back yard and it dyed a light beige-ish yellow. i have a red holly hock plant beside my house and i have been collecting the flowers that fall off every night and freezing them, but i did 2 dye tests with blossoms before freezing them, with one i simmered them and it turned into a light khaki green colour. the second one i did a solar dye, just putting them in a jar and putting it out on my front porch and that produced a greyish colour.
tonight i was trying out dandelion leaves, which was a disappointment. it has made a very very very light yellow colour, oh well. and i am also doing a shibori thing with turmeric, hopefully that turns out kinda neat!
another project that i picked up again was making agar prints! last time i worked on them there was not really any leaves out, so it was all with just paint or found objects. but i have been making prints with leaves and it has been fun! i have been using an old plate with a big crack in it though! i should make a new one. i also just have a huge pile of prints now, i did a lot of them, most of them, on scrap paper. i also made a bunch of envelopes out of bus maps and printed on those. i should make a new plate and make some sort of artistbooks out of prints????
and my 3rd project that i have been working on off and on is 3d photography. i have been making 3d photos, but i have been working more on dye stuff lately. but whenever i see something i think has good potential for 3d i always get out my camera and take some pics. i just sometimes dont get around to making them into anything for awhile. i want to go to borden park and take some pictures there, there are a bunch of sculptures and some fountains and i want to try those out. i also hope we go to the mountains this summer because that would be neat! i have been trying out some flower stuff, but close up is sometimes a bit difficult. i saw my brother in law preform (he sings) one evening and i did some there, those turned out kinda nifty because it was getting dark and there was stage lighting. the people on the stage were moving a bit so they are not perfectly clear, so the stage is what is in focus, but i like the lights and everything. i also kinda like the aspect of movement in the 2 photos together, i have taken photos of cars in the street, so the 2 photos obviously have different cars and sometimes those look interesting.

ugh. anyway. my internet died and i have no connection. it might reconnect or i might just save this and post later. either way...
Friday, July 17th, 2015
12:35 am
i am so sniffly!
i spent the evening cleaning up at my house, which was not so bad. i was just sorting things out. my true goal of the night was to make some washing soda! to do this you need to bake some baking soda in the oven, stirring it occasionally to make sure it heats evenly. (or so says the internet) but every time i stirred it or did anything with it i started sneezing and sniffling and ugh. so i was trying really hard to not breathe it in, i was plugging my nose and attempting not to breathe. ugh. the internet told me nothing about that.

i have a wasp problem! & i am really starting to hate those things. so far i have been bitten 3 times this summer, twice this week! they have built a nest on my steps under my front porch!!! my dad sprayed it really good and removed the nest. then yesterday i noticed all sorts of wasps flying into my steps again & you could see a nest. under a week and they had built another one the size of a large grapefruit/small melon already. i was even being careful, walking on the opposite end of the steps and gently and BITE! stupid bugger. the bite from this one looks weird, it looks like a blister but it is flat??? & all three of my bites are on my left leg, one on my foot and 2 on the lower right calf. ugh. so my dad sprayed them all again and knocked down the nest. & this evening i was out there with him and we were looking there and there are still wasps swarming at the stairs. so he was just spraying the heck out of it with the hose and even after that there were wasps flying around. i dont know what we can do????

i took this picture yesterday, i just kinda stuck my camera under my little deck and aimed and clicked the shutter so i had to crop it and enlarge it a bit and when doing that i noticed that my camera has a blue pixel on the bottom middle of the photos!!! i dont know if you can see it on this picture or if it is cut off, i cant remember and i cant see until i post it. arg!!! i kinda quickly looked it up yesterday but not in great detail and i think that there might be something i can do to fix it. i hope so! it was quite bright on these under the deck pictures, probably because i used the flash??? the same day, after, i had taken some pictures of some white cloth and when you enlarge, sure enough the blue dot is there but it is not that bright.
yesterday i also took a bunch of pictures of bees!
Sunday, July 12th, 2015
1:29 am
went to my uncles place for a bbq tonight. it went pretty well. it has been very very very warm out lately. well, just plain hot. we have decided to have a standing invitation for bbq night on saturdays this summer, if anyone is up for it, which i think is a good idea!
i had a veggie hot dog & it was pretty good! i have never really had one before. well.. i think i have had a taste of one once or twice maybe? & i know i attempted to eat one once when i first stopped eating meat, which was ... maybe 16 or 17 years ago? i tried cooking it over the fire while camping and it was disgusting! i had to throw it out. my aunty said that you need to bbq them or they are yucky. so anyway, the first hotdog i have had in a long time!
the night was generally good, there was one instance that kinda bothered me though. my nieces were saying something about killer whales, i dont know what. they recently went on holidays and went whale watching & saw some, so it was something about that. they were calling them orcas though & one of my uncles said something like 'doesnt the word orca mean whale?' ...no one really knew but i said, i dont know, but i really dont think so because orcas are actually dolphins.
there was a bit of talk & my sister quickly looked something up on her phone and read something, i dont remember exactly everything she said something about orcas... killer whales... then something about the name and god of the underworld or something like that, and then she said something like, so yeah it means whale.
i said.. um, no, i dont think so, cause they are dolphins, and she said, no its whale.
i tried to explain.. well, no.. you just read something about the name origin being something about a god of the underworld or something? .."no, whale."
..but..the.."no, whale."
she can be very abrupt sometimes and kinda rude. i was really rather annoyed and kinda offended. i mean, i knew i was right. i was kinda into dolphins and whales back in junior high, so i kinda know a bit about them. there really was not anything i could do about it though, short of starting a fight with her & it was not that important or worth it. i did not have any solid facts to back me up or anything, so whatever, move on. however, when i got home & got around to coming online i did look it up and sent her & my aunt&uncle a link showing that killer whales are dolphins and i also found a little blurb about the origin of their name on wikipedia. its not like i held a grudge or anything though, i even rode home with her so we could talk on the way back.
another thing i was kinda noticing there while everyone was talking, and have been sort of just noticing in general, is that my mom is starting to forget a lot of things. she has been forgetful for awhile, just a bit absent minded perhaps, but today there was a couple of instances. i said something to everyone (that i had read that edmonton had been the drive in capital of canada) and a few moments later.. literally, probably 5, less than 10 i am sure, my uncle comes out and she tells him "someone just said that edmonton is the drive in .." i said, yeah, that someone was me. she laughed and said 'i don't know, i cant remember these things' or something to that effect.
she has weird things with her memory a lot lately, but not usually so obvious
the other thing was a bit more concerning to me. people were talking about little kids who talk about events from past lives. when my brother was really little he used to talk sometimes about when he worked on the railway & then there was this odd event when he was maybe 3 or something when someone from the railway actually called the house and asked for my brother (or his name) to offer him a job. my mother has told this story many many many times. they were talking about this and then my aunty mentioned the part about the job and my mom was like "really? i dont remember that? i remember someone called about a job, but i dont remember what it was for."
she has also been sleeping a lot.
i think i have noticed things before, but i think today i am actually first starting to worry that something might actually be slipping with her. it is not something i really want to think about, but i suppose i should look into it a bit because if something is happening the sooner it is managed the better.
the other thing i have noticed lately, far less concerning, is that my left ankle is noticeably larger than my right one. now, its only a bit larger i guess. my left leg is the one i broke. i have a rod and 6 screws in it & i am wondering if that alone can be the cause. another option i am thinking is scar tissue, but i am not thinking that so much because i dont really feel much scar tissue there. a third option is my ankle can just be a bit swollen at the end of the day, totally possible. i had injured my right ankle way back, quite bad, tore several ligaments, some pretty bad, and that ankle would swell up for years and years after, still does sometimes, and i only really look at my legs at night when i think about it. just something i have been wondering about.
it has been super smokey out too! blah. and my throat has been scratchy. its unpleasant.
but things have been generally good.
except that i have been wanting to make green onion cakes for days and days and days, weeks even! and i keep forgetting or whatever, or, like today, i was going to do it but now it is 1:28AM already. i think i might just do it anyway!!!!
they are so yum~!
Thursday, July 9th, 2015
8:24 pm
it is HOT out!
record breaking heat today! it got up to 34
i went and got fruit, so i am happy! i got plums & peaches & nectarines & strawberries
i also got some nugget potatoes, yum!
i am thinking of making stirfry tonight for supper, yippie!
i also bought some prickly pears! i have never had them before! they had green ones and red ones, so i bought one of each.
i had another new fruit last week, a granadilla! which is a type of passionfruit i guess! it is similar to a purple passionfruit, but it was orange and larger
have i written about my dying stuff?
i have been wanting to do eco dying. so i have been mordanting my cloths
my uncle brought me a pale of ash from his fireplace, so yesterday i started making some ashwater
i tested the pH of the bit that had formed & it is quite alkaline, so that is really good!
i want to do an alkaline mordant & 1 more protein mordant on my dishtowels & then i am going to attempt to do some ecodyes!
& i am going to attempt to do some solar dying on some of the remnants that i got from the eco center
i also have been wanting to make green onion cakes for ages!
well.. maybe not ages, but last week or possibly even the week before i bought a couple bunches of green onions to make some & i still have not done it!
so i am going to tonight!
i attempted to make some rose petal jam yesterday!
it kind of went disastrous!
i have never used pectin (well, i made my own apple pectin last year and used that for the pomegranate jam i made, but have never used store bought pectin) & was uncertain about it
one way of adding pectin to jam is to put lemon peels in a little bag made of cheesecloth and boil it with the jam while you are making it
so.. i did that, i thought it might help a tiny bit
my jam got SUPER THICK!
i ended up having to add more water
i also ended up only filling 1 tiny jar! i didnt have that many petals but i thought it would at least make maybe 3?
also i checked it today & the jar did not seal
oh well
i think i need to eat some ice cream
Sunday, July 5th, 2015
6:29 pm
i went to the farm today!
i wanted to pick wild roses because i want to make some wild rose jam (or jelly, whatever)
i walked around LOTS and there were barely any blossoms! lots of bushes, just most of the blossoms were gone, so that sucked. after awhile walking my hips started hurting REALLY bad. (not -hands on your hips- hips, ..hip socket, hip joint type hips) .. i have not had problems with my hips in a long time, so this really sucks. i have some sort of arthritis in my hips but they have not bothered me in over a year? multiple years even maybe? blah.
i also picked some of the dark purple alfalfa flowers for iceflower dying & some dark pink roses from my grandma's flower garden for dying as well, so.. there is that.
after the walking around i sat in the house for a bit .. my dad was mowing the lawn, which took a LONG time. hours and hours .. the grass had got a foot high & he had to go over areas twice.
i started looking around at stuff.. in the kitchen because i wanted to see if there were any pots i could use for dying. i found a nice big one with a lid! i also found some other old stuff, some old glass jars of extract, an old box of powdered soap, an old box of plaster, some little vintage oil cans, a measuring cup.. i am not sure what else.
& i did some looking around in her bedroom & got some neat things! old bus tickets, some old safetypins, a old pair of pinking shears, a little ceramic deer & then the neatest thing, an old stereoscope & a whole stack of cards for it!
i also started sorting through some papers on her dresser.. sorting out what is to keep and what is to get rid of. that whole house is going to need to be gone through eventually so i thought, mine as well start. there was a neat old photo there of a bunch of ladies at what looked at like maybe a telephone call center? it appeared to have everyones name on the back of it but the writing was very very faded.
i did not get a chance to look through very much stuff before my dad was finished.
on the way back we stopped several times by the side of the road to pick roses in the ditch & i ended up getting quite a few, so that was great! super duper.
when we got back my dad had me order him Chinese food & it just got here. it actually smells kind of gross. i think i am going to go eat some though because i am hungry & i like rice!
Thursday, July 2nd, 2015
2:21 am
ugh. my back hurts
i am getting old. do a bit of work & i have aches and pains for a week!
i have been tying to make arrangements to pick up a camera i am buying from some girl & it is proving difficult
i was going to get a ride from my dad to go pick it up tomorrow, but that might not work out
so it seems like she might be dropping it off
i am fortunate that she is being so patient with me
i first contacted her about it at the beginning of june when i had my cold & she has held on to it for me

so i have more health concerns
i went to the washroom earlier today & noticed blood on the toilet paper
its not time for my period
i had some spotting a few days ago as well, but this was more blood
i also had a little bit of spotting for a day or two in between my last two periods (during the time i was sick with the cold stuff)
another concern is that day awhile back, i had to look up the date and it was may 15th, when i woke up with the really really really bad pelvic pain
& then when i went out to talk to my sister i got kinda light headed and collapsed on the grass
i have not had bad pelvic pain like that since
i may have had some pelvic pain, i am not sure, i have random pelvic pain & usually do not pay much attention to it
i have a history of ovarian cysts & usually just chalk it up to that
but the concern is that because of the lynch syndrome i have a much higher risk of ...
i thought it was uterine, but i was just looking it up & i guess it is endometrial cancer
i guess i have a 20 - 60% greater chance (than the general public?) of contracting endometrial cancer
& i never go for testing, like pap smears or those sort of annual check ups that a person is supposed to go for
i suppose i should do that
Friday, June 26th, 2015
10:51 pm
it is hot out!
& i did a crap load of yard work
i cleaned out the raspberry patch beside the garage
i cut out the branches of a tree that is trying to grow there & pulled out enough creeping bell flower to clear out a good path so that you can walk through and access all the raspberry bushes
hopefully there will be a lot of raspberries this year!
the nanking cherry that is in there looks like it is going to have lots of berries!
for some reason that tree bloomed, and so is going to have berries, earlier than all the other trees (the one in the back yard and the one in my parents yard) this year
then i cleaned up and pulled out all the weeds in the area behind my house where i am planning on building a bench area
there is a screen door back there & this big roll of linoleum & a bunch of scrap metal that i had to move around
its still all there, i have to ask my dad about what to do with it
also there is a tree growing back there too, i am going to have to cut off all the branches and ask my dad about what to do with it
the bench is going to be in a corner and built with cinder blocks and then have plywood as a seat with storage underneath
then i am going to have to sew some cushions for the seating and the backs
if it gets done & works how i have it my head it will look good!
we have cinder blocks, but they are on the other end of the yard, so ugh.
my plants are all doing fairly good except for my herb plants
i planted some thyme, sage, rosemary & oregano at the side of my house & the sage, rosemary and oregano are doing crappy crap crappy
i really do not know why?
before i did the yard work i was taking pictures of flowers
& i ended up sitting on the lawn in my folks yard in front of a single daisy and took a bunch of pictures of it
i ended up taking a series of a gazillion pictures of this daisy
i took a lot of them using the fisheye filter, which i almost never use because ..well, i just dont usually like it
i think some of them turned out really neat though!
i have not uploaded them
i ended up taking so many pictures though that my camera got pretty hot, boo!
so it rested in the shade while i did yard work
now i am relaxing
hopefully i will get swiss to go tomorrow!
i have tried twice this week!
tuesday i went and they were out of bread, today i went & they were closed! i got there at 7 & they close at 7 (so early! who knew?)
i want a sandwich!
this weekend is supposed to be even hotter
so hopefully i can stay cool
i bought a bunch of limes at H&W the other day to make italian ice
i should get to it!
maybe later tonight
or tomorrow?
Friday, June 19th, 2015
1:23 am
ugh. i have a pain!!!
i am pretty sure its a sinus thing
i had the same thing ..2 days ago i think?
its a headache type thing, center of my forehead above my eyes
i just took an advil & hopefully that will help
other than that i have been feeling pretty good today!
i did a bunch of yard work
& then i did some stuff at home
i made some candied peony flowers .. or flower petals i guess
i had wanted to candy some lilac flowers
i had wanted to do a bunch of stuff with lilac flowers
but i kinda missed the season
they were all in bloom and then while i was sick they all finished and now they are gone!
i DID make some lilac syrup!
& today i kinda turned that into some sort of popsicles
i made them with the lilac syrup, some lime juice & some rose water
& then i put some shreds of peony petals in them
there was only enough stuff to make 3 of them, but i hope they look pretty
& the mix tasted pretty good too!

i have been making 3D photos!
it is fun stuff!
well, i take the photos & turn them into 3D photos in the photo editor
i took a bunch of new photos to work on today
i took some cloud photos, because i am hoping to get a nice 3D sky photo
& a bunch of plant photos as well, because that is easy enough, they do not move on me
when i was taking photos of this one plant in the back there was lots of bees!
well, really i think it was just 2 or 3 bees but they were moving around the same plant
its a large plant with lots of little flowers
so i was trying to take bee photos!
i got a couple of ok ones i think! i have not really reviewed them yet
but the autofocus on my camera is being wonky
it was not even wanting to focus on the flowers when i was just taking a picture of the flower
so, focusing on a bee .. i dont think so
anyway.. photo fun!
Wednesday, June 17th, 2015
10:03 pm
i have been attacked by an evil creature!!!!
well.. i was stung, or bitten or something?
by a wasp or a bee i think
i was going into my house and all of the sudden - OUCH!
pain in my foot! it was in my shoe! i looked down, i think i heard a buzz, there was this big blackish thingy. i kicked it off with my other foot.
i tried to look for it on the door mat, which is where abouts i kicked it off but i could not find it
it could have fell between the boards under the deck
it was bigish & blackish
& like i said, i think i heard a buzzing around when i had the ouch
it HURT, stupid thing
i did not see a stinger left in me though, only a big red spot
i have only ever been stung a couple of times
once by a wasp, i sat on it, unintentionally of course, but i understand its reaction
and once by a bee
it was in my hair, in the back, i felt something move, it just seemed like wind or a leaf or something, so i went to brush it off and it grabbed my finger and stung me
i had kind of a weird reaction to that one, it made my finger swell up a lot
but more so i had a strange psychological reaction to it - and this was before i started having any sort of mental health issues
from what i remember i think i got really hyper and anxious for most of the day (it happened first class in school) and then at the end of the day i kinda crashed and felt really down and weird
so.. who knows what that means?
this one barely hurts anymore anyway, it might if i put shoes on though
but i wish i knew what it was that bit me
i would be a bit more confident if what i saw was more yellow
it happened quite quickly though.
Tuesday, June 16th, 2015
7:46 pm
hello journal!
i had a mouse in my house!!!!!!!
last night when i went home i kept hearing this metallic knocking noise
i heard it when i was in the washroom, over the sound of the fan (i have this stupid fan that turns on automatically when you turn on the lights, you can not shut it off, it annoys me, but oh well)
i would turn off the lights and listen and ..nothing... so i would go about my business..
i heard it several times
i thought it might be the furnace because i have an older house and that furnace likes to make weird noises
but it is warm out and the furnace should not be turning on at all
when i was in bed i heard it again a few times
i have a live mouse trap in my house from quite awhile ago when i had a bit of a mouse problem
i thought that maybe that was what it was so i poked at it, shook it a bit, but nothing
every time the noise would happen and i would get up and listen it would stop
but i did hear for sure that it was not coming from downstairs
finally i decided the only thing it could be was that mouse trap, so i took the thing and put it outside the door
the next morning when i left i had a look at it and there is a little window at the top and a little mouse was looking up at me!!!
i put it over in the shade till i could tell my dad because it was hot out and i did not want to leave it in the sun
so i guess my dad released it somewhere and reset the trap and put it back in my house
or he killed it and just told me he let it go

i had a drB appointment today
that went fine, but it was a bit tiring
i am feeling a lot better than i have been though
i am just a bit stuffed up & i have an occasional cough
though right now i have this weird sinus pressure in my forehead
it is icky
it is just kinda right between my eyes and up a bit
& it is pain & pressure
i hope it goes away soon!

i am hoping to make some silkscreen type things for my mushroom mailart call
& i have been working on the designs
i think they will turn out well!
but i do not know what type of material i can use for the screens
i have read used nylons work, but what else???
i would like to go to the fabric store sometime in the near future for other reasons
& maybe i can buy something there

i am also wanting to build a corner bench in my back yard
there is a pallet of cinder blocks that is sitting back there
so i hope to use those
& i have some outdoor christmas lights that are blue that i can hang up
it will be lovely!
Saturday, June 13th, 2015
1:55 am
well, i am STILL sick
i went to the doc yesterday & he gave me some antibiotics
& i think that is going to help
actually i think starting on wednesday i have been starting to get a bit better
but yuck.
so.. monday evening i noticed something a bit disconcerting
i had got myself a bowl of grape tomatoes and i was watching tv and looking at a book or doing whatever & i just randomly picked up a little tomato and went to eat it and ....um..ouchish.
i couldnt really fit it in my mouth
i had to push it past my teeth to get it in my mouth and it hurt a tad when i did that
so that is when i noticed that i could not open my jaw very wide anymore
which i figure was a symptom of my sinus infection
it did not hurt, but it is super weird!
in fact i could only open my mouth wide enough to maybe fit 2 fingers in, which is not very wide
but today i can now almost open my mouth all the way
i do not have a very big mouth to begin with & also when i open it all the way normally it kinda pops and locks ..strange, but whatever
so, i have taken 4 doses of antibiotics
i still feel cold symptom-y and fairly yucky, but my sinus infection-y type stuff is getting a bit better already, the jaw & less pain in the side my face/eye
so that is good
i am still blowing so much crap out my nose though
this is ridiculous
i would not be surprised if more crap has come out my nose in the past week than in the rest of my whole life
hopefully by the end of the weekend i will be feeling much much better!
Sunday, June 7th, 2015
11:56 pm
i have been SO tired
i have been sleeping LOT and LOTS and LOTS
today i attempted to spend a bit of time outside to get some fresh air
but i am just exhausted
also, just for kicks, i think i have developed a sinus infection
on my right side the area above my teeth and up into my eye hurt
so not fun
i tested my temp. with the fever tester tonight & it was pretty high
it was DARK blue and the F was brown with tinges of green
according to my mom's notes, that she figured out from when we were kids, that means a fever of roughly 102F
well, above 100 anyway
hopefully i will make a doctors appointment tomorrow
& cancel my drB2 appointment on wed.
because i am just too tired to go to that
Thursday, June 4th, 2015
10:40 pm
i feel so ugh.
my head is just draining. my nose is so full of crap. my eyes are watering.
& every once and awhile to make things perfect i cough a bit, which just kinda hurts my throat
but on the positive, my throat does not hurt so bad
i no longer have pain every time i swallow, so that is fantastic
it is just scratchy and dry and i need to have a drink or something with me because if i dont, after a few min it will start to feel horrible
i just have this cold
plus, well, i know i had a bit of a fever earlier cause i tested myself with the fever tester
i ended up doing a bit of planting this evening, i just finished that
because i have some little plants that are going to die if they dont get planted soon
i have to plant my sweet potatoes tomorrow
they should have been planted weeks ago
oh well.
but i noticed that one of the blueberry plants has some blossoms on it! so that is exciting!
when i came in and washed my hands i looked at myself in the mirror and yikes!
i have not showered in SO LONG!
i know that is horrible, but i dont think i have this whole week i have been sick
its just that every opportunity i have had to i have felt horrible, super hot or super tired and just went to bed
fortunately i do not have to go out and socialize or anything like that
i know there have been several times throughout the week where i have felt super cold and thought a shower would be nice
but by the time i get home and whatnot i am dead
or i fall asleep on the couch at my folks place and never even get home
i have missed my evening pills a whole bunch of times this week because i have just fell asleep
and it is not like i feel refreshed in the morning
i feel horrible in the morning! the morning is the worst of all
i cant breathe and my throat is dry and sore and yuck.
but hopefully this will pass soon enough
my gland or node or whatever is still big, i dont think it is as big as it was at its worst, but i think you can still see it sticking out of my neck
i took a picture of it yesterday
but it does not hurt anymore, so ok...
the one on the opposite side is a bit swollen now too & sore
i was going to say that i just hope i dont develop a bad cough
but then i was going to say i would jinx myself
but i already said it, so..
here's hoping!
Wednesday, June 3rd, 2015
10:38 pm
update on how i am feeling
so, today i feel kinda full blown cold-ish
my nose is so full of crap
i keep having to blow it over and over and over and over again
& i am so stuffed up
my throat is kinda scratchy in general
"the gland" is actually a little better, it feels scratchy, but the stabbing every time i swallow is not as bad, still there a bit, but not so bad
my eyes are watering
and my nose! ugh. so so runny & full of crap
i have used a gazillion kleenexes and ugh.
but my throat is dry feeling
so i have been sucking on ricola
my voice is not so bad though, so that is probably good
but this is yucky
maybe this will all work itself out though now (i hope)
i did not wake up in time to make a doctors appointment
& i kinda feel like if i went now they would just be like, its a cold, nothing to do about that
so.. whatever
suffer through it!
12:07 am
so, i still have this sore throat
it still feels like i am being stabbed in the neck when i swallow
but i am sooo happy
because yesterday i hurt SO MUCH
oh it was awful!
i started taking advil liquigels, which were helping a bit
but i was limiting myself to 1 every 4 hours, which was spreading out the maximum dose throughout the day
after 30min to an hour they would kick in and i would no longer be in excruciating pain and that would last for a couple of hours
the hour before i could take another one would be terrible
the pain was almost throbbing and even radiating into my jaw and ear almost
most of my glands have died down except for the one on the left
and that one is so swollen, probably like golf ball size almost
you can see a bulge in my throat where it is
at about 4:30 i think?AM i was finally able to take another advil & decided to take a tylenol with it as well
it was making me a bit sleepy & at around 5:30 i went to bed for the night
& i slept a whole night through!!!!!!!
in fact i think i woke up at around 4, so i slept over 10 hours! SO nice!
and at that time i was not feeling fantastic in my gut so i went back to bed for a bit longer and got up at around 6:30
previous nights i have been sleeping for only a few hours at a time
and when i got up i was not in horrible horrible horrible pain
i mean, my throat was quite dry and full of crap and sore and hurt and all that junk
but not nearly as bad as yesterday
i was thinking yesterday that i would go to the walk in clinic today, but today i decided that i think i am just going to make an appointment at my regular doctors office
also my voice is so wonky
i dont know if it was last time i wrote stuff
i think that this swollen gland must be pressing on my vocal chords?

but in more positive stuff
i was playing with my little tiny camera yesterday
i guess they are sometimes called spy cameras? it is just mini mini, about an inch by 1.5 maybe?
but i finally figured out how to change the datestamp on it! before it said 2012
i tried to get it off completely, because that would be better
but i could not make that work
oh well.
here is a little pic i took of the irises in my front yard

it does not take very good photos

i also finished building my twin lens reflex camera yesterday too!
it is pretty nifty!
& then i put film in it tonight
so, hopefully it works & all that stuff

you look into the top for the viewfinder
& you see what you take the picture of
fun fun!

hopefully i will feel better soon
because this whole throat thing pretty much just sucks
at least i dont have any appointments or things like that this week

and ugh.
my connection is out, so i cant post this anyway.
stupid computer.
Sunday, May 31st, 2015
11:21 pm
so, ugh.
i have this nasty sore throat
nasty nasty nasty
the worst sore throat i have had in a really really really long time
it pretty much just hurts when i swallow
but it hurts like someone is stabbing me in the neck with a knife
and you actually swallow a lot during the day because you are constantly producing saliva
it seems now sort of like things are coming up from inside my throat too, which is weird
also various glands in my neck are inflamed and swollen
so pretty much if you touch my neck that hurts
not that people are coming around touching my neck..
turning my head certain ways is sore and painful too because of the swollen glands
there are the ones kinda under your chin .. and the one on the left is really big
that is the location where my throat hurts the most
the first day my throat only hurt on the one spot, on the left side in that area, but it hurt quite a bit & it still hurts worst there ..the stab in my neck when i swallow
and then there are some glands more under your ears & the one on the right is really quite tender
& i have had this stupid sore throat for 4 days already
i dont really feel badly otherwise
i mean, i do not feel great & i am tired, but i do not have a terrible cold or anything
just this nasty nasty nasty throat thing
that HURTS!
like swallowing glass
it is not fun.

but i did do a little bit of yardwork today
got some areas in the back ready to plant my potatoes
& did some figuring out
i am going to plant my broccoli and cauliflower by the garage in the back yard
& there are these boxes where i am going to plant the potatoes
the flowers are all going in the front
& i am going to have all the herbs at the side of the house
i should have had a lot of this work done already, but oh well.
i had bought a little 2 tiered green house before & put it together in my living room
so i put that outside and put all my little seedlings and stuff out there
so that they had some protection & can get used to outside weather
& hopefully i will get everything planted in the next few days

we (me & my family) did this walk yesterday
well, it was really a run, but you could walk it
it was 5km & was for awareness and to raise funds for women's mental health issues
the money here went to the lois hole's women's hospital
..i forget exactly what it was for but something to do with mental health issues in regards to pregnancy and that sort of things
which is pretty good, it is not something that is talked about a lot

i was fooling around with my tiny spy camera today too
& i figured out how to change the date stamp on it to the correct date
so that is great!
i tried to get rid of the date all together though & that did not work
so boo to that

i would go to the doc about this throat thing but i dont think he would do anything
it is probably a virus and there is nothing that can be done about that
it is making me feel pretty depressed actually
i am just sitting around feeling ick dreading every time i have to swallow
& nothing i have done has really helped
i have taken tylenol, i have taken lozenges, i have drank cold drinks, hot drinks..
i should try some honey, i have not tried that
i hope i feel better soon
or my head falls off
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